The truth hurts

Let me describe the scene to you. I'm not really sure why I decided to start with that line. Of course I'm going to describe the scene to you. I'm a writer and you are a reader. That's the sort of deal that's understood right from the beginning and doesn't require pointing out. Then again, sometimes pointing out the obvious is exactly what we writers do.

So, let me describe the scene to you. It is now 9:12 a.m. I have ear buds plugged into the MP3 player/phone and Cab Calloway is piped almost directly into my brain. Before I finished the sentence he was replaced with the Cure. I am wearing the same clothes I had on last night because I wanted to go out for breakfast. I came home, took my music and book outside and began to read. Fuck that. Time to write.

My old friends have always been there. They are the pens, pencils, notebooks, scraps of paper (Bruce Springsteen? Don't think so...next. Thorogood? yeah baby!) typewriters and keyboards I have written crap on for decades.

Oh and because I'm cool goddammit, the sunglasses are still on! Though I can barely see sitting here in my room at the little computer area, not really a desk, it's a chair with a little folding table next to it. (Spanish jazz...NEXT!! Janis Joplin) The sunglasses will stay on for now.

I was up early and went out to watch the sunrise. I then went to a breakfast buffet. I will go to the gym later today. I hope that the girl I was sorta seeing but nothing serious will continue to speak to me even though we what?? Broke up? last night. I think we stopped planning to date. Hard to say.

The thing is...You know? I'm not afraid. Maybe I am. (Sunglasses off even though The Chili Peppers are killing it!) Let me tell you something about me you don't know. Well this was supposed to be some dramatic statement but I honestly think anyone who would read this already knows me. If you know me a little you know me a lot. I doubt I could make up something you all don't know about me. Mysterious I am not.

I've been hiding out. For months. I have. Most of you know that. Most of you have let me and those who let me were right to do so. These things take time. The girl is just getting out of hers. Her bad one you know. I think getting out of a bad one may take a little less time than getting out of mine at least I hope so. Then again my ex and I have been rehearsing our break up for many years. Perhaps I haven't been hiding as much as waiting.

I've been waiting for someone like her. Maybe not her though. Hard to say. She hasn't had the time I've had. We had met before, during very similar circumstances.

I just picked up my laptop and moved up to the back patio. A note fell out of the pc wedge thing I keep under the laptop. It has fans that run off a usb plug but I never use them. I guess I stuff notes in there though. I looked in the wedge and there are several. They are notes of things I wrote at work and need to type or just thoughts you know?

It's too bad. I'm not sure...not true, I guess I am sure that neither one of us are ready. She said she wasn't ready but we sorta went forward anyway. Awkwardly I think. I will no longer waste anytime with anyone I know from the start will never be anything. No more good time friends. She had potential. Just...bad timing? Hope that's all. (The Ramones) I thing I may be ready to move forward, it don't matter cause I will move forward anyway fuck it. I may be fearless like that. Then again I let it get sideways for a few minutes and called it. Well I was going to call it but she beat me to it. She's perceptive that way I think, most women are I think.

There are feelings and thoughts and fears I don't want to experience yet. I could be way off base. Perhaps a good time friend is exactly what I need. I think I'm pretty self-aware, at least I thought I was pretty self-aware. My head could be firmly buried deep, deep in the sand. One cannot leave the house without danger. I have left the house. I will go down the roads I want to go down though. They may be dangerous but it will be on me.

I'm really not that experienced with the break ups though. This may hard to believe but it is true. My ex and I have done it several times but I haven't...this is a little funny because we didn't break up. There was nothing to break up from. We were only sorta seeing each other. Hell, we did it over Facebook messages. Sad right? Ironic? It does bother me but perhaps its a funny story tomorrow. Isn't that all life is though...stories? (Greatful Dead) We were sorta seeing each other once before I had to call that off then too. There is a very good reason but I'm not going to get into it here. Another time if it is significant. Probably isn't though.

(Flobots) This day is beautiful, the weather. This day is beautiful anyway. It's cliche but let tell you anyway, life is too short, everyday is a beautiful day. I really want to go shoot basketball but it was a breakfast buffet. I did not eat cottage cheese and fruit. I ate. I love to eat. I love to eat good food. Sometimes though I have to settle for a breakfast buffet trough.

She told me the other day that I should put her in the friend zone. She did not put me there though. What does that mean?? I am single so as far as I'm concerned there are no friend zones. That doesn't mean that I want to date or sleep with all or any of my female friends but it does mean I see no reason to limit potential options. I mean my life is pretty fluid right now and that's cool I think.

I think I may be a way better buddy than boyfriend. I hope that is NOT true but it sure seems like it. I kinda like the idea of being a boyfriend. I've been a husband for many years. A title change may do me some good.

There are many children playing at the playground. I can see it from my balcony. I envy the little cretins. They only have one fear right now. The only thing they fear at this second in their little ignorant lives is that it will be time to go home. That's all. (Beastie Boys)

I hope she isn't pissed at me. I think I wrote all this just to say that. I do care. You see, I want to be liked by everybody but have never been liked by EVERYBODY. I got over it in childhood. I want to be liked by everybody but it's perfectly ok that I'm not. I rarely if ever think about it and never worry about it. I'm me and that's all I can't even try to act like someone else even for a second. Just can't do it.

It's a big ol world you know? I hate the thought of on-line dating. That doesn't mean I'm down with catching a little bar chick. I'm not...but then little bar chicks need love too right. Maybe they do but I'm not really down with hanging at the bars. They are like in-laws...a great place to visit but I don't want to live there. (Bob Marley)

There has been very little happen in my small life that Bob Marley cannot see me through. Don't worry. Ok Bob...I will trust you again. Father Bob you know?

Insignificant little problems. There are people on this very day that will not live to see the sunset. But they are the blessed ones, the tragedy lies in with those who live on with out them. They have to move on and most will. Those that do will feel guilty because to move on you must leave the dead behind.

Today is going to be a good day. The world is going to turn with or with out our permission or happiness so we better get busy living. (Sublime)

Too bad it's the end of November. This day screams for beer poolside, laughs and bikinis. This day has a timing issue as well.

Let me tell you something about me you may not know about me...I am completely full of shit. I can sometimes fool myself into thinking I'm a little deeper than a maaco paint job. I may even be able to fool you too for a little bit. The truth hurts so watch it.