Who I Am

The Poet: Emotions. Tears and smiles. The love of music and words. The guy who likes the sunrises and romance. He hopes for the best.The Poet's other side is depression and anguish. He is the writer, he is vain and tormented. He must have an audience. He has a deep dark side but struggles to see the good. He is faith and patience. He is torn. He is the guy that hurts when there is a broken heart. He believes in forever. He believes in the soul mate. He is also loneliness.

The Sage: Reason, knowledge, wisdom and intelligence. The realist. He is also the spiritual side of me. The Sage feeds the Poet's faith, but he's also the one that tells the Poet, "I told you so." The Sage isn't always fun. He can be dry and sarcastic. He is not the seat of my arrogance but he is often mistaken for it. The Sage is the professor...and the student. He is curious and has the thirst for knowledge.

The Tyger: As all the personalities, the Tyger has more than one side. The Poet insist I spell Tyger with a "y" like Blake did. The Tyger is of course the ferocious side. If you make me angry enough you will see the Tyger. He cares not about damage done. He lives for today only. He also defends my friends, the Tyger is the warrior, he is anger, and honor. He is my ego. The Tyger can do anything. He is the steel. He is determination. He is also, of course, the lover.

The Fool: Impulse. Mischievous. Lost causes. The Fool isn't just the stupid things I do, those can be attributed to all five, but he does lack reason. Don't underestimate him though. He howls at the moon, but not alone, he howls with the Poet and the Tyger and sometimes the Thief. He is wit and humor. He balances the Sage. He's the drunkard, the clown, the entertainer. He is fun. He is trouble but also relief. He is play and also he is sometimes stupid. He is blind. He is also faith, hard to explain but true. If you have followed me this far then you may know what I mean.

The Thief: Finally, the Thief. There are many sides to this guy. He's the guy who steals my confidence. He is doubt. He is the coward. He is the opposite of faith. They all have a dark side, but he is the dark side. He is mean. He is greed. He is the liar. He is the player. He is lazy. He is jealousy, and petty. He is death.

They are all me. They are all one. They mix and mold and change and are individuals. They are all one person and one personality. They are one character.

This is me. There is more to me but it all fits here somewhere. To know this, to understand it is to know me. If you do know this and understand it then please, please, explain more of it to me because this is the best I can do.

Rules to Live By

I wrote these rules for my daughter India as she prepares to go off to college. They are of course, for all my children as they continue to grow into their own lives. I think that some or all of these are principles my father tried to instill in his kids as well.

1. Be good to people. If someone is not good to you simply remove them from your life.

2. Trust your instincts. You have every reason to be confident.

3. Awkward is funny. Learn to laugh things away.

4. As long as I live you are not alone. Ever.

5. Develop faith so that when you are hurt you must know it is temporary pain and you will get better.

6. Never stop looking at the sunset.

7. Always listen to music. Good music is medicine for your soul.

8. Welcome the tough times and the tough jobs. They will build your character. Success comes from failure. One must suffer to develop soul. Don't go looking for those tough times though, they will find you on their own.

9. Be patient. You will always get what you want, in time.

10. If you can't afford it, don't buy it. Credit cards are NOT your friend.

11. Learn why you must look at sunsets and listen to good music. Learn about yourself.

12. Finally, you will become, you HAVE become, what you are as a result of the decisions you have made, both good and bad. Make good choices India.

I love you.

I almost forgot:

13. It's better to be smart than pretty. You are both.

Knowledge is the answers you give but intelligence is the questions you ask.






This was not easy to write because it taste like goodbye.

India likes to sneak out by herself for a few minutes in the evening and it took a couple of days before I realized that she was stepping outside alone to watch the sunset. She never said anything to anyone about it. One day, when she came back in, I asked how it looked and she just said "beautiful".

I am so proud of her. So proud.

An Egotist's Immortality

I was talking to India two nights ago after she had a really hard day. She is a senior and going off to college before too long and she needed to cry on Dad's shoulder. She doesn't do that too much anymore and though I hate that she needs to cry, I do enjoy when she needs to put her nearly six foot frame on my lap and needs to be held while she just cries. Her leaving will be difficult to bear.

After she drained her emotions and reaffirmed that I would be there for her always I knew I was supposed to talk to her for awhile. I'm supposed to kinda ramble about things and change the subject a bit. She seems to like, on occasion, to just listen to me talk. After awhile I read her one of the posts here on this site. Then I asked her if she knew why I posted some of the things I write. (I write pretty much every day, I don't post everything or even most) She said no, I told her that the obvious was of course that I like an audience. I like to know that at least a few people read it. I told her that was ego and if I had something to say I would rather say it to someone instead of yelling off a mountain top. You know? If a tree falls in the forest and no one is there to hear it then who cares? I need something a little more. Then I told her another reason. I had not thought of this before and realized how true it was as the words were leaving my mouth. I told her that I hoped one day her grandchildren would sit on her lap and she may read to them the stories of her dad's life, and imagination.

Immortality. I want something a little more than a headstone to mark my presence on this earth.

So now I know, really, why I write and I also feel that I have a mission. I am going to be write more. Record more. I have a job to do and it is totally narcissistic but hell, you know? Whatever.

A Toast!

I was a guest at a wedding recently and during the reception there were, of course, the toasts. Before it was over the mic was offered up to anyone else who wanted to toast as well. I was not a member of the wedding party but I have yet to learn how to pass on an active mic at a party.

I stammered something I don't think was too bad, but I wasn't really prepared either. I said something about tigers and wished them the best. Now I want to offer a proper toast and explain the tiger metaphor a little bit better. So here's my toast to Kim and Ed.

To Kim: Our main job as men is to provide for and protect our family. We must go into the bush and kill the tiger. The simple days of actually going out and killing a real, live, breathing, angry tiger with a stick are over. Yet that is what we are here to do. So we try to do just that every day. I respect Ed, he is not perfect but he works hard, he is improving his lot, and he loves you. We are all flawed but we are men and we can, and have, changed the world many times. Men have built civilizations and destroyed them. We have built industries, and out grown them. We have been to the moon. We have over come obstacle after obstacle. We will not sit down, we will not stop. We will not show fear. We will give, and often have given, our lives for our loved ones. In the present day being a man is frowned on a bit and often ridiculed. Be proud of Ed. He is yours by his own hand. He has given his life over to you. He is a good man.

To Ed: Though our job is to slay the tiger our women are the ones who make sure we know we can. Our women are the ones who tell us we can do it. They are the ones who instill in us the belief that we can not only kill the tiger but that we can dam the river, sail the oceans, climb the mountains. With the word of a good woman we can and have done anything. They are a gift to us and provide faith in ourselves. They have the power to make us great or something far less. They make us whole. We must love them for that. We are strong but our women control us. With one look they can make us feel like a superman or crush us. They can make our day or ruin it before they are even out of bed.

If you attempt to slay the tiger and not KNOW you will succeed then the tiger will surely devour you. You need her. Women have always been next to us whispering, while we built cities, and while we destroyed them. They were there when we returned home from a voyage and have often been the reason why we returned. They birthed us, nursed us, and taught us to be men, and then wept when we left them. They speak the softer things that allow us to be more than animals. They are our humanity. We will do anything for them and they will do the same. She is a good woman, always love her.

To both of you: To be a mother, father, husband and wife is a daunting, difficult, and very rewarding job. Forgive each other often. Remember not the times when the other does something foolish or painful but remember when they protected you, or reassured you, or kissed a child's scrape. Remember the good times and forget the bad for there will be plenty of both. Build one another up constantly for there are plenty of people out there who will keep your egos in check. It is not your job to keep your spouse grounded. It is your job to give them flight.

Also I would like to add that a person who will take another person's child as their own is nothing less than a hero. To take personal responsibility and love a child from another is selfless and should be honored. There are not words to express the respect I have for those who have made that earnest commitment.

I am proud to know you. I am happy for you. I wish you happiness and good fortune and peace and prosperity. May your days be long and pleasant.

Desire

These narcotic dreams of bliss, tempered with the realities of strife and struggle are a reminder of what we are.

I can see a future of happiness and comfort because a woman allows me such things. I know though that there is no such thing as it stands right now, though not because of any fault of her's. We are destined to struggle because of our desires. If we do away with our desires then we can put away our struggles and all suffering.

My desires though. Oh, my desires. To control them is to control the Original Sin, to put down the curse of Adam.

These desires are but amplified. She amplifies them. I do desire her and I want to desire her. A life without suffering is a wonderful thought when looked though the haze of Vicodin, but a life sans desires? Is that a life at all?

Perhaps I should suffer. Maybe that's the price I pay for the longing I feel when I look at her. To lose that desire would also be to suffer I fear.

I will suffer. I will wear it like a badge of humanity. To desire another is to begin to love. To love is human.

Bring the suffering. I can take it.

(I wrote this a few days ago with a pen on a pad. This was done just after a had an accident with a band saw and it required several, about twenty, stitches. I barely remember writing it. It HAD to hurt though.

I could go on about the duality of the human condition...but actually, I think the short little essay says much more than it says.)