I just wanted to note here, in case anybody is looking, that I am still writing. I have started my first novel in earnest. I have been working on the premise for sometime now and have finally committed to putting the rough draft down. That's where I am right now.
Wish me luck!! Thank you!!
Monday, January 30, 2012
Thursday, January 5, 2012
Skank on a Plane
I traveled. There are those who travel more than I did. There are those who travel much more than I did for pleasure. I traveled for work. I flew. Southwest Airlines. Every Friday I flew home and every Sunday I flew back to work. There are things that the modern air traveler must know and be flexible about but one thing never, ever changes and that is the existence of the airport bar.
There are small differences between the airport bars now, post 9/11, and past airport bars. For one, smoking. Another, name. I believe they were once called airport lounges. Oh and dress, I seem to remember one was expected to dress a little nicer at the airport when I was a young man. Those days are gone. But the bar remains. I remained. At the airport bar. Every Friday evening.
I was a regular and, though I was not the only regular, I was the only regular there every Friday. There were a couple of guys I ran into on a bi-weekly or monthly basis. The bartenders knew me. They knew if I was late or early and they could also let me know if my flight was going to be delayed or not. They knew. After awhile, I knew. Delays had something to do with stormy weather in the mid west. If a flight couldn't leave Omaha on time do to rain storms then everything got out of whack I guess. There were delays. On the day of this story there were no delays and that is good. In fact if there had been a flight delay things could have gone from amusingly uncomfortable to really problematic, fast.
A typical Friday afternoon would be to get off work around four. I would then go by my hotel and get my bag, it was on the way. Then I would swing by the bank to deposit my paycheck that was FedExed overnight to my current location then off to the airport. It seems my flight was usually around seven or eight but it didn't matter because I would eat on the way and then do what many people do on a Friday evening, I went to the bar of course. One had to clear security first and that was never an issue. I did this twice a week. I never checked-in baggage.
Finding a seat at the bar could be a daunting task but I had allies. Two allies. Two well tipped allies. For those of you who don't know, the secret to being a bar regular and to receive and continue to receive great service is the healthy tip. If you can't afford to show your gratuity then you can't afford to frequent a bar. During those days I could tip well, and I did. In return my bartenders would work for me. On really busy days they would signal when someone would cash out so that I could seat before many, many others.
The system never failed but once, and that was completely my fault. I bucked the system and was rewarded with the attractive woman I sat myself next to wondering when I would buy her a drink. It just doesn't work that way with me. I will buy a drink but not simply because one is attractive. The attractive woman's first words to me were,"Every man who has sat next to me has bought me a drink." Well good for them. I'm not that guy. How long had this chick been here? One of my allies looked at me as if to say,"Dude, why don't you let me do my job? I didn't set you next to her because she a gold digging turd of a woman and though she's pretty to look at, you could have looked at her across the bar." Lesson learned. They took care of me and I took care of them.
My allies however couldn't control everything. I arrived a little early, not too early but a little. Perhaps the parking lot bus made good time. There are many variables and it is smart, even for the professional traveler, to always arrive early. There is no reason to tempt fate. I sat at my preferred bar stool, one on the far side of the small horseshoe bar so that I could look out at the terminals. Everything was set and I was happy. The bar was a little crowded but not packed and most of the Friday travelers are going home so it is usually a happy crowd. It didn't take long for the socializing to begin, I always meet people, when a woman came over and offered to buy me a drink. I know, but it happened more than you would think, it was a business class airport and business women have no problem buying a guy a drink. However this woman was no business woman.
She was a little tipsy and having a great time and that's alright. Most of us in the bar were having a great time. The problem was that she was loud. Real loud. I get loud but there's a time and a place you know? She was also wound up a little too tight, her hair was a little too big, and a little too blonde, and her make up a little too...garish. It's not that she looked unattractive, exactly. She wasn't. She just behaved unattractive, I guess. After just a few seconds of conversation we learned that we were on the same fight. Wonderful. My allies couldn't do anything about that. She bought the next round and my guys were beginning to smile and chuckle a little at the on going situation. I had to be on the same airplane for at least two hours with this woman who was getting very comfortable with me.
I had an ace in the hole. The very best thing about flying on Southwest is that they have open seating and numbered boarding. I was A1. This is an almost mythical ticket. I had seen one before but never held one and now there was an A1 ticket in my hand. That meant that I was the very first person to board. There is no first class. A1 is the closest one could get to it and I knew exactly where my favorite place was on the aircraft. Emergency exit, front/mid plane, aisle seat. Plenty of leg room there. It was also my escape ticket from Miss Thang because after taking a quick look at her ticket and seeing that she was C23 I knew I was in the clear. C23 was practically steerage class. There would be another person in the A group that would want the other emergency exit seat. There is a double space there between rows of seats. Prime real estate. She may have to sit near the lavatories. I would wave and say hi whenever I used one. There was really no reason to be rude after all.
After another drink, bought by my new benefactor that I was soon to ditch, it was about time to board. A1 don't want to be late because if you are then A2 and A3 and so on will gladly take your place. A1 was NOT going to be late, even if Miss Thang was in tow because I knew the Gate Keeper would not let her board until it was at least the C group's turn. I even told her so when she announced to me, and the entire airport that she was going to sit with me. "No you aren't," I said. "Yes I am!" She yelled. "They won't let you on with me," I said. "Just why the hell not!" She again yelled. She paid the tab and I tipped, well, even though my allies were now openly laughing at me. Miss Thang would not be back next Friday and I would so I better keep the snickering bastards happy.
As I walked to my terminal with Miss Thang's arm now planted in mine I explained how the boarding system worked and that I was A1 and that she was not. She asked how I got to be A1 and I tried to tell her about how the airline miles system worked but it didn't matter because she said they, in fact, would let her on with me because she was going to say that she was with me. I said that they would not let her on with me.
We got to the terminal and I walked right past everyone waiting to board just like the A1 passenger should and gave the Gate Keeper my boarding pass. He scanned it and said welcome aboard. Miss Thang gave him her boarding pass and was told instantly that she could not yet board. I said, "See ya later honey, thanks for the drinks." And boarded the plane. I got to my seat as A2 and 3 were getting on and then Southwest Airlines failed me. Miss Thang boarded. What? It should be A4 though A25. There should be 24 more people on that aircraft in fact 71 more passengers before her! I would have been happy to sit with any of them, even if they had a damn kid. Crap.
She scooted right in there and sat right next to me. Three minutes later she was all up on me. Her arm around mine, her leg over mine. When the flight attendant took our drink order she was dubious and I knew I was in trouble. It didn't help when Miss Thang announced to all the passengers, the pilots, and the control tower that she wanted a screw driver, double. The flight attendant who couldn't possibly know better asked Miss Thang if she was sure. Miss Thang was sure and everybody knew it. Miss Thang ended her ordering process by saying, "...and whatever this guy wants! I'm buying it too!" Well, thank you. I tried to decline but then got a rum and coke. It was easier, even though I was going to be driving a rental car in about two and a half, maybe three hours.
When we finally took off she gripped my hand. Then continued to hold it the whole time until the fasten seat belt sign went off signifying that one could use the lavatory. I extracted myself and made my way down the aisle. That's when the flight attendant got me. "I think the woman you're with may have had enough to drink, don't you?" she said. She didn't ask me, she told me.
"Yeah maybe but, that woman is not with me." I said.
"Really because she looks like she's with you, sir," she said.
"Nope, she's not with me. Hell, I just met her at the airport bar," I said, pleading.
The flight attendant, looking dead at me the whole time, tilted her head up a little while still maintaining eye contact said," My, you work fast."
Ouch. Alright, enough pleading.
"Well be that as it may, ma'am, that woman is still not with me and I haven't bought her a single drink."
"We may have to cut her off, sir," she said.
"Oh I understand, I will try to talk to her, OK?" I asked.
"Thank you," she said, with the practiced flight attendant smile. The meeting was over and I was then free to use the lavatory.
I did not want to return to my seat but there's not much else to do on an airplane. So I sat back down and noticed my book that I placed in the pocket on the back of the seat in front of me had been moved. Hum. Miss Thang noticed that I noticed and said she was wondering what I was reading. OK. Her arm went back around mine and her leg went back over my leg. Wonderful. The flight attendant walked by and quickly glanced at me. Her eyebrows were raised. I just had to smile. Work fast? Miss Thang was working fast, not me.
Miss Thang said she was ready for another drink. "That's not a good idea," I said.
"Why not?" she asked.
"Because," I said.
"Why not, Honey?" she asked. Honey? Oh good lord, really?
"Because they are about to cut you off and that may be a really bad thing.
"Cut me off? Why?" she was loud again.
"Shhhh! Well because they think it may be possible that perhaps you could have had a tad too much to drink," I said.
"What do you think?" she asked.
"I think it would be a mistake to test them," I said, and picked up my book and opened it. A dead sure signal that the subject was closed. That's when I saw it. Her phone number written across a page in bright yellow hi-lighter.
"That's so you can call me when we get back home," she said. Yeah, I know what it's for. "Speaking of that, are you married? Do you have a girl friend?"
"Separated and dating a little," I said, knowing that if there was a better time to lie then I would never see it.
"Anything serious?" she asked.
Once again, I should have lied but just didn't," No, nothing serious."
I didn't ask. I didn't care, but she went on to tell me that her husband and her were breaking up and that she went down to Houston to "Hook up" with some guy, I can't remember the details but she damn sure told them to me.
I tried to read again. She got bored. She sighed. She rubbed my arm. She moved her leg that was still over mine. I then sighed and again put down the book. That's when she asked me about the club.
Yeah, that club. The mile high club. She thought we should...uhh...become members. Then she tried to kiss me. I explained to her that: A, Perhaps I'm already a club member. B, That on this particular aircraft the lavatories are REALLY small. (I'm not what one would call small). And C, That I flew this airline every week, twice a week.
"So?" she asked. So? "Yeah, so what?" she asked. She may have had a point if I had another couple of more drinks, but no.
"In our current administration the climate for aviation misconduct is frowned upon. We would probably be arrested, at best I would be banned from Southwest, perhaps forever. Then what? I would have to tell my boss. He may think it would be funny but then again, he'd probably be pissed. I could be arrested and fired. Thank you but I'm going to pass." I said.
"OK, fine." she said. Now remember that this woman is loud. Everyone heard everything. People with earphones on were taking them off. We were the in-flight entertainment. The flight attendant walked by again.
She pouted, I read. She stopped talking and I was happy. The aircraft began it's descent. She grabbed my hand again when the airplane shuddered. I told her it was just the landing gear going down. She told me she didn't care what it was.
She gripped my hand very tight as we touched down and then when the plane slowed to taxi speed she kissed me. Yeah I know, but she surprised me. She then opened her bag and dug out a pen and piece of paper and wrote her number down for me again, I guess she forgot about the book. I said OK, thanks. That's when I decided to lie? "Sure babe, I'll call." Whatever.
I turned on my cell because you can do that then and she did the same and as I gathered my very few things she called. Many people make calls then, I'm sure I did too. The plane came to a stop and I let her out into the aisle so she could get her bag from the over head while she was still on the phone.
"I'm here. No, still on the airplane. Yeah so are you gonna come get me or do I have to get a cab? What? What?? Oh! Really? You're here waiting for me? Oh OK baby! I'll see you in a few minutes! I love you too!!!"
I smiled. Her phone snapped shut and she said to me that her husband was here! Waiting for her to get home!! Does that mean he still loves her she asked.
"Yeah he still loves you, and if you just calm down and stop trying to pick up dudes at the airport, I'm sure you guys will be just fine," I said, just as the door opened. She gave me a quick hug and fought her way to the front of the plane fighting, kicking, and shoving everyone out of the way.
Now, if you have never flown into Orlando then perhaps you may not know about the train. You have to take an electric elevated train from the aircraft terminals to the main terminal. Fighting, kicking, and shoving, usually doesn't save you much time because, though you may get to the train first, you will probably still be there waiting when everyone else from the flight gets there. And she was.
I know that if you walk all the way into the train area and get on the end car that you will be further in the main terminal when the doors open after the ride. So I walked on past Miss Thang who now knows that I know what I'm doing. She follows. Crap. The trains pulled in, the doors opened, and everybody got on the train. Even those injured by her dash to the aircraft door, though nobody said anything to her. In fact, nobody says anything. At all. It was awkward. It was great!
Maybe ninety seconds later we pull into the main terminal and the doors open, she dashes, again, out. She runs, squealing, loudly, into the arms of who I hope could only be her husband. I had stepped out of the train and stood there watching for a moment as the happy couple reunited. The husband looked up at me perhaps slightly embarrassed and nodded. I nodded back and they walked away. Forever.
That's when I heard someone behind me say," wow." I turned around and saw almost everyone who was just on my fight standing there behind me. "We thought she was with you!"
Oh, I got rid of the card with her phone number on it of course, but I still have the book...
There are small differences between the airport bars now, post 9/11, and past airport bars. For one, smoking. Another, name. I believe they were once called airport lounges. Oh and dress, I seem to remember one was expected to dress a little nicer at the airport when I was a young man. Those days are gone. But the bar remains. I remained. At the airport bar. Every Friday evening.
I was a regular and, though I was not the only regular, I was the only regular there every Friday. There were a couple of guys I ran into on a bi-weekly or monthly basis. The bartenders knew me. They knew if I was late or early and they could also let me know if my flight was going to be delayed or not. They knew. After awhile, I knew. Delays had something to do with stormy weather in the mid west. If a flight couldn't leave Omaha on time do to rain storms then everything got out of whack I guess. There were delays. On the day of this story there were no delays and that is good. In fact if there had been a flight delay things could have gone from amusingly uncomfortable to really problematic, fast.
A typical Friday afternoon would be to get off work around four. I would then go by my hotel and get my bag, it was on the way. Then I would swing by the bank to deposit my paycheck that was FedExed overnight to my current location then off to the airport. It seems my flight was usually around seven or eight but it didn't matter because I would eat on the way and then do what many people do on a Friday evening, I went to the bar of course. One had to clear security first and that was never an issue. I did this twice a week. I never checked-in baggage.
Finding a seat at the bar could be a daunting task but I had allies. Two allies. Two well tipped allies. For those of you who don't know, the secret to being a bar regular and to receive and continue to receive great service is the healthy tip. If you can't afford to show your gratuity then you can't afford to frequent a bar. During those days I could tip well, and I did. In return my bartenders would work for me. On really busy days they would signal when someone would cash out so that I could seat before many, many others.
The system never failed but once, and that was completely my fault. I bucked the system and was rewarded with the attractive woman I sat myself next to wondering when I would buy her a drink. It just doesn't work that way with me. I will buy a drink but not simply because one is attractive. The attractive woman's first words to me were,"Every man who has sat next to me has bought me a drink." Well good for them. I'm not that guy. How long had this chick been here? One of my allies looked at me as if to say,"Dude, why don't you let me do my job? I didn't set you next to her because she a gold digging turd of a woman and though she's pretty to look at, you could have looked at her across the bar." Lesson learned. They took care of me and I took care of them.
My allies however couldn't control everything. I arrived a little early, not too early but a little. Perhaps the parking lot bus made good time. There are many variables and it is smart, even for the professional traveler, to always arrive early. There is no reason to tempt fate. I sat at my preferred bar stool, one on the far side of the small horseshoe bar so that I could look out at the terminals. Everything was set and I was happy. The bar was a little crowded but not packed and most of the Friday travelers are going home so it is usually a happy crowd. It didn't take long for the socializing to begin, I always meet people, when a woman came over and offered to buy me a drink. I know, but it happened more than you would think, it was a business class airport and business women have no problem buying a guy a drink. However this woman was no business woman.
She was a little tipsy and having a great time and that's alright. Most of us in the bar were having a great time. The problem was that she was loud. Real loud. I get loud but there's a time and a place you know? She was also wound up a little too tight, her hair was a little too big, and a little too blonde, and her make up a little too...garish. It's not that she looked unattractive, exactly. She wasn't. She just behaved unattractive, I guess. After just a few seconds of conversation we learned that we were on the same fight. Wonderful. My allies couldn't do anything about that. She bought the next round and my guys were beginning to smile and chuckle a little at the on going situation. I had to be on the same airplane for at least two hours with this woman who was getting very comfortable with me.
I had an ace in the hole. The very best thing about flying on Southwest is that they have open seating and numbered boarding. I was A1. This is an almost mythical ticket. I had seen one before but never held one and now there was an A1 ticket in my hand. That meant that I was the very first person to board. There is no first class. A1 is the closest one could get to it and I knew exactly where my favorite place was on the aircraft. Emergency exit, front/mid plane, aisle seat. Plenty of leg room there. It was also my escape ticket from Miss Thang because after taking a quick look at her ticket and seeing that she was C23 I knew I was in the clear. C23 was practically steerage class. There would be another person in the A group that would want the other emergency exit seat. There is a double space there between rows of seats. Prime real estate. She may have to sit near the lavatories. I would wave and say hi whenever I used one. There was really no reason to be rude after all.
After another drink, bought by my new benefactor that I was soon to ditch, it was about time to board. A1 don't want to be late because if you are then A2 and A3 and so on will gladly take your place. A1 was NOT going to be late, even if Miss Thang was in tow because I knew the Gate Keeper would not let her board until it was at least the C group's turn. I even told her so when she announced to me, and the entire airport that she was going to sit with me. "No you aren't," I said. "Yes I am!" She yelled. "They won't let you on with me," I said. "Just why the hell not!" She again yelled. She paid the tab and I tipped, well, even though my allies were now openly laughing at me. Miss Thang would not be back next Friday and I would so I better keep the snickering bastards happy.
As I walked to my terminal with Miss Thang's arm now planted in mine I explained how the boarding system worked and that I was A1 and that she was not. She asked how I got to be A1 and I tried to tell her about how the airline miles system worked but it didn't matter because she said they, in fact, would let her on with me because she was going to say that she was with me. I said that they would not let her on with me.
We got to the terminal and I walked right past everyone waiting to board just like the A1 passenger should and gave the Gate Keeper my boarding pass. He scanned it and said welcome aboard. Miss Thang gave him her boarding pass and was told instantly that she could not yet board. I said, "See ya later honey, thanks for the drinks." And boarded the plane. I got to my seat as A2 and 3 were getting on and then Southwest Airlines failed me. Miss Thang boarded. What? It should be A4 though A25. There should be 24 more people on that aircraft in fact 71 more passengers before her! I would have been happy to sit with any of them, even if they had a damn kid. Crap.
She scooted right in there and sat right next to me. Three minutes later she was all up on me. Her arm around mine, her leg over mine. When the flight attendant took our drink order she was dubious and I knew I was in trouble. It didn't help when Miss Thang announced to all the passengers, the pilots, and the control tower that she wanted a screw driver, double. The flight attendant who couldn't possibly know better asked Miss Thang if she was sure. Miss Thang was sure and everybody knew it. Miss Thang ended her ordering process by saying, "...and whatever this guy wants! I'm buying it too!" Well, thank you. I tried to decline but then got a rum and coke. It was easier, even though I was going to be driving a rental car in about two and a half, maybe three hours.
When we finally took off she gripped my hand. Then continued to hold it the whole time until the fasten seat belt sign went off signifying that one could use the lavatory. I extracted myself and made my way down the aisle. That's when the flight attendant got me. "I think the woman you're with may have had enough to drink, don't you?" she said. She didn't ask me, she told me.
"Yeah maybe but, that woman is not with me." I said.
"Really because she looks like she's with you, sir," she said.
"Nope, she's not with me. Hell, I just met her at the airport bar," I said, pleading.
The flight attendant, looking dead at me the whole time, tilted her head up a little while still maintaining eye contact said," My, you work fast."
Ouch. Alright, enough pleading.
"Well be that as it may, ma'am, that woman is still not with me and I haven't bought her a single drink."
"We may have to cut her off, sir," she said.
"Oh I understand, I will try to talk to her, OK?" I asked.
"Thank you," she said, with the practiced flight attendant smile. The meeting was over and I was then free to use the lavatory.
I did not want to return to my seat but there's not much else to do on an airplane. So I sat back down and noticed my book that I placed in the pocket on the back of the seat in front of me had been moved. Hum. Miss Thang noticed that I noticed and said she was wondering what I was reading. OK. Her arm went back around mine and her leg went back over my leg. Wonderful. The flight attendant walked by and quickly glanced at me. Her eyebrows were raised. I just had to smile. Work fast? Miss Thang was working fast, not me.
Miss Thang said she was ready for another drink. "That's not a good idea," I said.
"Why not?" she asked.
"Because," I said.
"Why not, Honey?" she asked. Honey? Oh good lord, really?
"Because they are about to cut you off and that may be a really bad thing.
"Cut me off? Why?" she was loud again.
"Shhhh! Well because they think it may be possible that perhaps you could have had a tad too much to drink," I said.
"What do you think?" she asked.
"I think it would be a mistake to test them," I said, and picked up my book and opened it. A dead sure signal that the subject was closed. That's when I saw it. Her phone number written across a page in bright yellow hi-lighter.
"That's so you can call me when we get back home," she said. Yeah, I know what it's for. "Speaking of that, are you married? Do you have a girl friend?"
"Separated and dating a little," I said, knowing that if there was a better time to lie then I would never see it.
"Anything serious?" she asked.
Once again, I should have lied but just didn't," No, nothing serious."
I didn't ask. I didn't care, but she went on to tell me that her husband and her were breaking up and that she went down to Houston to "Hook up" with some guy, I can't remember the details but she damn sure told them to me.
I tried to read again. She got bored. She sighed. She rubbed my arm. She moved her leg that was still over mine. I then sighed and again put down the book. That's when she asked me about the club.
Yeah, that club. The mile high club. She thought we should...uhh...become members. Then she tried to kiss me. I explained to her that: A, Perhaps I'm already a club member. B, That on this particular aircraft the lavatories are REALLY small. (I'm not what one would call small). And C, That I flew this airline every week, twice a week.
"So?" she asked. So? "Yeah, so what?" she asked. She may have had a point if I had another couple of more drinks, but no.
"In our current administration the climate for aviation misconduct is frowned upon. We would probably be arrested, at best I would be banned from Southwest, perhaps forever. Then what? I would have to tell my boss. He may think it would be funny but then again, he'd probably be pissed. I could be arrested and fired. Thank you but I'm going to pass." I said.
"OK, fine." she said. Now remember that this woman is loud. Everyone heard everything. People with earphones on were taking them off. We were the in-flight entertainment. The flight attendant walked by again.
She pouted, I read. She stopped talking and I was happy. The aircraft began it's descent. She grabbed my hand again when the airplane shuddered. I told her it was just the landing gear going down. She told me she didn't care what it was.
She gripped my hand very tight as we touched down and then when the plane slowed to taxi speed she kissed me. Yeah I know, but she surprised me. She then opened her bag and dug out a pen and piece of paper and wrote her number down for me again, I guess she forgot about the book. I said OK, thanks. That's when I decided to lie? "Sure babe, I'll call." Whatever.
I turned on my cell because you can do that then and she did the same and as I gathered my very few things she called. Many people make calls then, I'm sure I did too. The plane came to a stop and I let her out into the aisle so she could get her bag from the over head while she was still on the phone.
"I'm here. No, still on the airplane. Yeah so are you gonna come get me or do I have to get a cab? What? What?? Oh! Really? You're here waiting for me? Oh OK baby! I'll see you in a few minutes! I love you too!!!"
I smiled. Her phone snapped shut and she said to me that her husband was here! Waiting for her to get home!! Does that mean he still loves her she asked.
"Yeah he still loves you, and if you just calm down and stop trying to pick up dudes at the airport, I'm sure you guys will be just fine," I said, just as the door opened. She gave me a quick hug and fought her way to the front of the plane fighting, kicking, and shoving everyone out of the way.
Now, if you have never flown into Orlando then perhaps you may not know about the train. You have to take an electric elevated train from the aircraft terminals to the main terminal. Fighting, kicking, and shoving, usually doesn't save you much time because, though you may get to the train first, you will probably still be there waiting when everyone else from the flight gets there. And she was.
I know that if you walk all the way into the train area and get on the end car that you will be further in the main terminal when the doors open after the ride. So I walked on past Miss Thang who now knows that I know what I'm doing. She follows. Crap. The trains pulled in, the doors opened, and everybody got on the train. Even those injured by her dash to the aircraft door, though nobody said anything to her. In fact, nobody says anything. At all. It was awkward. It was great!
Maybe ninety seconds later we pull into the main terminal and the doors open, she dashes, again, out. She runs, squealing, loudly, into the arms of who I hope could only be her husband. I had stepped out of the train and stood there watching for a moment as the happy couple reunited. The husband looked up at me perhaps slightly embarrassed and nodded. I nodded back and they walked away. Forever.
That's when I heard someone behind me say," wow." I turned around and saw almost everyone who was just on my fight standing there behind me. "We thought she was with you!"
Oh, I got rid of the card with her phone number on it of course, but I still have the book...
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