So there I was.

So there I was in the bush hunting the deadly snake that has been hunting my fair friend. The call came about at a troubling time as these emergency calls often do. I hardly had time to heed the call. I was very busy going though my fall and winter clothing. Vital stuff. My bloody room is still a mess.

So there I was in the bush hunting for a reptile that could eat a lovely lady in one bite! The reports were mind boggling! The serpent had been stalking her for months. Whenever the creature saw her it would toy with her by smacking its gigantic mouth! The huge creature stalked his prey carefully and studiously keeping constant vigil on it's potential preys location. It was very long and scary! The snake stretched, when it wanted to impress her, all the way from her back patio across the grassy yard and into the street. Usually it kept most of it's massive muscled body coiled up and hidden from view. It stays hidden from view to everyone but it's intended victim.

So there I was in the bush. What the hell am I doing here? If this is a giant snake that actually chews it's food then by golly I may be a nice little snack. A 280 pound snack for a giant friggin Harry Potter snake! I gotta get the hell out of here. I'm not even Australian. I'm gone.

Crap, the damsel is watching me. Maybe I can scare the big SOB away. I'll just stomp though the bushes and run it off and act like I'm trying to catch it. That'll impress her.

Stomp

Stomp

Stomp

Jesus! I can see it! It is pretty big. It's no anaconda but still. "Shew! Go away!" I think to myself. Show no fear! Where did it go? Thank god! It is gone. Now I just have to make like I'm trying to catch the thing for awhile and maybe it really will go away. I order a bucket so she thinks I'm actually going to pick the scary thing up and take it away. Doubt it!

I make like I'm hunting the snake for a really long time. No sign of him. I then sit down for awhile "to let it get comfortable again so I can catch it". Right. Stomping around again to really scare it off. It seems to work! Snake is gone and it is time to leave! Whew! Close call. I really don't want to pee my pants in front of people. Especially the fair damsel.

We are set to exit the building and my spidey sense starts pinging away. I have a beautifully honed sense of self preservation!

So there I was...staring right at the dreaded serpent coiled beneath the stairs. The stairs we have to pass to get to the car. Everybody sees me...see it. Nothing I can do now. The fair damsel will not be satisfied with anything less than vindication and I am the knight to slay the dragon. Like it or not. I have to live around here after all.

I order a...a...what do you call the guys who help the knights? Wait a moment while google does it's magic. Ah! A page and then an esquire! Yes I send my acting esquire to roust the dragon from it's lair. If it doesn't work I can always blame the esquire that's what they are really there for after all.

Holy crap! It works! The dragon must be 4 feet long and black as the night! This dragon is fast boys and girls no joke! I can't back down now all eyes are on me! The chase is on! Maybe it can get away again!

So there I was in the bush. Again. Chasing around the fastest damn snake I've ever seen. "You're too slow TC!" Cries the fair maiden! "It's too damn fast!" I think as I turn to look at her hands up saying, "what do you want me to do?" The esquire is all over it though damn him!

"There it is! In the tree!" He says, from a safe distance away. I don't really want to fight the dragon in a friggin tree I can tell you that with certainty! The dragon is only in the tree for a moment though as it circles it ten or twenty time in half a second and throws itself through the air back into the bush. The bush I'm in.

So there I was in the bush. With the dragon. The dragon that I now know can fly if it wishes to. There is also an audience now. Perfect. The esquire is doing his job far to well and I may actually have to catch this thing. I am running it down tiring it out. Maybe it's tiring me out. I'm really not sure at this point. Besides the only way to get out of this now is for one of us to die. It may be me. Wait! Where did it go!!

"Esquire! Where art the serpent?"

"It went that way!" Esquire says.

"He went under the air conditioner!" A spectator yells! Thank god.

"Well heck." I say secretly hopeful the melee is over for good.

Stomp

Stomp

Stomp

Playing the part. I act like I'm looking under the air conditioner. Looking diligently around. Hoping the sneaky snake is sneaking away. Far away. Alas this is not to be.

So there I was almost free from the task set to me by a fair princess locked in her tower by fear. Escorted out and ran down I think we can leave now and give the fearsome creature space to vacate. No. The fair princess wishes to speak to the peasants who have gathered for the festivities. "Come on princess...we must make haste lest the dragon try again." I silently plead. One simply cannot look like a coward. I see the dreaded beast again! Damn him!! He is not hiding! He is not vacating! He is simply waiting for me.

So there I was in the bush, the serpent waiting for another chance to consume me on a peasant's patio. "Oh esquire! I see him!" Esquire comes a running. Of course. I only need him there in case things continue to go astray. Blame. I decide one of us must now die and I then harden my reserve.

Into battle I must go! I tell the esquire that he should stand back resolving to kill or be killed and there is no room for blame on the open battle field. The dragon has chosen the field well but there are no trees on the patio. No bushes either. Just the hissing serpent and me. Maybe I can simply step on it's head and be done with it.

Simplifying the matter does NOT work and I get rebuffed with several vicious attacks. Backing carefully giving little ground I chance a glance toward the fair princess and see her. I see her and the crowd of peasants with a collective breath held and eyes wide in terror. I shall not fail. I must save the maiden and all those that love life. I must vanquish the dragon.

I attempt another stomp and just as the serpent tries to gain a little more ground for another vicious attach I strike! I seize the serpent by the tail! It does not like that. It does not like that at all! Spitting and striking and fighting and if Harry Potter were there he would have heard it cussing, no doubt! I then make my killing stroke. Inglorious. Yes. Still I get the job done by swinging the serpent back over my head into a thankfully strong window (total accident), followed quickly by a forward stroke onto the air conditioner. That did the trick. Then, for show of course, a few more snaps.

So there I was in the bush carrying the carcass of a dead snake to the delight of what must be several thousand spectators. I deposit the snake in the meadow across the street and strut back. A proud victorious knight. Having saved the fair princess I made haste with the excuse to wash by battle bloodied hands into the princess' abode. There I did wash my hands but also cried for a brief moment from fear. I would like to say I wept as well for the vanquished foe but nope, I cried like a little girl because I was scared. I also checked my pants. All good.

So there I was in the car a hero!