Fear

I have practically been a monk now for a little more than a year. Until pretty recently. Those of you who know me know that if I'm keeping a low profile it's because I want to. I have tried to learn how to upgrade from a pretty good dude to a great guy and I doubt I succeeded, but hell, being a pretty good dude is not too bad to begin with. I am exposed emotionally now and patient. However, I'm only patient until I'm not. I have lost my patience recently. Then I'm through. Sorry. I did all I could do.


I think I've learned much during my time of personal attempted growth. I doubt that I learned any great secrets to life, I think I learned that there really aren't any. However, I did learn a few small things that may matter over time. I think the most important is to learn to laugh. Awkward is funny. The more weird something is the funnier. You MUST laugh, to stop is to die in spirit I think. Everyone can relate to it. I've also learned that life is much more comfortable when one is flexible to an extent. I have learned that I'm simply not going to do what I don't want to...for long. Accept people the way they are and if you can't then try to get away from them. Do not, at all cost, ever, loose your sense of wonder. Try to keep it childlike. Stay wide eyed and curious. Life is much better like that. Sophistication is bullshit. Be childlike in many ways.

I have learned much about myself. I am going to list things I'm afraid of.

Things I'm afraid of:

Becoming shallow and vapid, again.
Wasting my time with shallow and vapid people.
Wasting my time.
Being alone, really being alone, not having a choice in the matter.
I'm afraid of being afraid of dying.
Being useless.
Not contributing at all.
Ferris wheels, I know...
Being stupid.
Doing my best and failing anyway.
Rejection.
Not mattering to anyone, not mattering to anyone, not mattering to anyone.
Being forgotten.
Believing in something my whole life that is so totally wrong. Again, wasting my time.


Fear is a good thing. There is a difference between fearlessness and courage. Courage is the strength to go forward regardless of one's fear. It is a strength that the fearless will never know. Being a coward is to give in to one's fear completely. One thing is sure at this point, I can be one brave fool.