Blessed

Somehow, though it all, I am a very blessed man. Things aren't perfect though. I work for the state, I run a large roof replacement project at a prison and use inmate labor. These guys teach me much.

Don't stop using your mind, ever. You are free to think about whatever and however you like. More people should use their mind. It's really the only weapon you have. I have met, rarely, persons I would call stupid but I'm rethinking that. I think unless you are born damaged or sustained an injury, no one is born stupid. I think it takes years of practice to get good and stupid. I think it's lazy. Observing the inmates, some brilliant...more, not, I'm learning more about humans. At least I formed that hypothesis. I will continue to observe people to support it.

Working for the state, with a single income, doesn't allow certain luxuries like any disposable income. I can pay my bills, mostly, monthly. My wife and I have parted ways after nineteen years, though we usually get along pretty well and I know she loves me. I love her too. I drive an old gas guzzler many miles to work. I miss my family I am alone much of the time. I can not do some of the things I want. I worry about the future, and the past. I sometimes worry about my sanity. I worry no one will ever really want me again.

I worry my ex-wife is my "soul mate" and there will not be another. I worry my kids will loose touch with me. I can be lazy, I can be boring. I am getting older. I have lost weight but have more to loose. My current job is the very definition of "dead end". I recently interviewed for another job and did not get it. We are still in a horrible recession.

I worry about the safety of my family and cannot watch the news. I chew snuff and cuss too much. I drink more now than probably ever.

Yet I am blessed. I wrote my fears down not too long ago and have been thinking about the other side of things for a few weeks. So here's another list. ( I also worry about becoming a "lister")

Reasons why I am Blessed:

I am smart. Not shining star brilliant...but I have "game".
I have an imagination, and I use it.
I am creative.
I am social.
I learn from my successes I actually have successes...still.
I am able to eat every day. I have clean water.
I get to have by daughters live with me every other week.
I am a good dad.
I have a good dad.
I enjoy good music, it helps.
I write.
I sculpt.
I draw.
I read.
I don't have to do any of it if I don't want to.
I try to be a pretty good man.
I feel pain.
I feel love.
I am alive.
I have an open mind.
I have matured.
I like who I am.
I like my life.
I like philosophy, science, physics and art. I like history too, and literature etc. and so forth. As I said, I have "game".
I'm not hideous. I'm not hideous...right?
I make an effort to keep my mind young. "I was so much older then, I'm younger than that now".
Though I can be a real hard ass, I try to be pretty nice, now.
I take things as they come.
I'm not an addict.
I'm not an alcoholic.
I'm not an inmate.
I can support myself.
I have learned to really enjoy the simple things.
I am not afraid. Or at least, I'm pretty brave.
My stainless steel bullet proof walls of serenity are really made of glass. It's not that hard to get in there, as it turns out.
I like the sunrise.
I have become very patient and impatient.
I have faith.
I know everything is going to be alright because everything is alright.
I know the destination is worth the journey. Any destination, any journey.
I have some very good friends. Some people who would do anything for me.
I have learned to be a good enough guy to have the above type of friends.
Women love me and fish fear me. OK so...fish don't fear me. It sounds horribly arrogant but, women do love me. I'm not saying in an overtly sexual manner, I'm just saying that though I don't understand why (and I really don't) I am loved. This is the most blessed of all. I am loved and if you are one of the few people who read the things I write regularly then you most probably are loved too. By me.
I have emotions.
I have not become bitter, or angry, or scared.
I am a survivor. Really.
Bring it on because I am strong, and weak.
I am a man, but, I am just a man.
I have learned that what one doesn't know is just as important to know as anything else. A wise man knows when to say he don't know.
I can say "I don't know".
I have learned that kids may not have more knowledge than me, but they are probably more intelligent.
I have learned to respect those who have been where I am.
When I need to be sad, I'm sad. But not for long.
I smile more now.
I really like to look, hear, smell, taste and feel.
Perhaps colors are the spice of life, and music. Good music.
I am a liberal. If it's ok for me it's ok for you.

There. I am sure I missed many things on this list. I have to admit that it is actually longer than I thought it was going to be when I started. That in itself is another blessing.

I will enjoy my life. You should too.